Thursday 1 March 2012

I'm Not Done Yet






Sorry about the break in programming. I've decided not to lay down my sword... at least not yet.

This blog lives on.

41 comments:

  1. YES! That's good to know :)
    your blog is awesome and your last post is so strong.. indeed there's no reason to protect the predators. Perfect and insightful post, thanks Lisette.
    best wishes, Sjan

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  2. Lisette's back. Long live Lisette and "The House of Mirror's"

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  3. I'm a long time reader. I'm glad to see that your blog is still going strong! Keep it up and THANK YOU!!

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  4. Your blog is fantastic! So glad your're back.

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  5. I think your posts are absolutely brilliant! One of the best writings I've ever read anywhere. Keep up the fabulous work. You are changing lives with your writing, and you have changed mine!!

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  6. Thanks, Lisette. Your blog is a refuge for me.

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  7. I'm glad you're still here. I found your blog a few months ago, after breaking no contact with my ex-N husband. I had gone a year and a half. Things of course went from great to awful in a short amount of time. Your blog gave me the strength to say goodbye for the final time.

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  8. Lisette, I'm so glad you're back, as this is my favorite blog! You're a beacon of light for us ACONs, who are navigating uncharted dark waters in a world full of Ns. Please keep blogging, as you're a true inspiration to us all.

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  9. Glad you decided to re-open your blog. There's so much insight and information here.

    Thanks for coming back!

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  10. Thanks everyone for your kind and encouraging words!

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  11. Welcome back, Lisette. I'm looking forward to reading all of your future kick-ass posts!

    Anon

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  12. Ahhhhh Lisette, You were sorely missed! So happy you are back with your sword :).

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  13. Thank you for coming back :)
    I am beginning to realize that I was raised by two MNs and thanks to your blog things have baffled me are starting to make sense. This blog fits in really well to where I need to learn at this point in my life.

    I don't want to repeat their patterns on my children and I want to leave bizarro world and start living with the healthy. This is my starting point. My appreciation for what you are doing, I just can't express it enough.

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  14. Wellcome back Lisette - I am glad you resume your brilliant and corageous writing. I was worried about you when your posts were down - hope everything is ok.

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  15. Thank goodness you have not hung up your pen Lisette!!! Your writing is so inspirational and your raw honesty is so much appreciated.

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  16. Lisette,

    I hope you can continue on your posts and your journey. Hell, I don't need a therapy or a recovery session if I'm "relasping".. I can just come to your site.

    You are a TRUE blessing and this is one of THE BEST sites about NPDs/Relationships ever. Thank you for empowering me and all of us. It's like Salvation.

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  17. I thank you for this blog. Something I just read by alice miller, that another's indignation can set off our own, and let us feel what has been denied for such a long time. Know that your indignation helps me, be well.

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  18. It's so great you're back! Your blog is an important source of support, insight and encouragement for me. I survived two MN parents and have been no contact for 3 years now, with your help!

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  19. I've been reading your blog for a while tonight and have bookmarked it so I can read more later. I'm at a particular point with my evil MN mother where I know I need to cut off contact completely, and your blog has already been helpful to me. It's both horrifying and comforting that there are so many other damaged souls out there - horrifying that so many MNs walk among us, intent on destroying us, and comforting that we can find support among others who know what we've been through.

    Thanks for writing this blog.

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  20. I rented a room in a woman’s house for 8 hellish weeks. After doing some research on what the heck could be wrong with this witch, I think I might be dealing with a MN. She lied about or misstated several important aspects of the rental, was violent and abusive toward me, brought over friends who were also violent and abusive toward me, and threatened to hurt my dogs. She also “gaslighted” me to the point where I wondered if she and I were living on the same planet. I scrambled to find a new living arrangement. After she refused to return my security deposit, I decided to sue in small claims court for not only the security deposit (in Cali you are entitled to 3x your deposit if the landlord doesn’t give you a statement within 3 weeks of moving out) but also for the fraud and for the toll her actions took on my health.

    When I went into court, I asked the judge to continue the trial for a few weeks, since my boss needed me back at the office. The court was overbooked and would have continued some of the cases on its docket anyway, so the judge granted my request without even asking why. The next day, I received a packet in the mail from this woman, consisting of vicious lies about me that she had filed with the court as an answer to my complaint. The proof of service said that packet had been mailed a week prior, but it arrived at the same time as the letter from the court, which had been mailed from the same area only the day before. In other words, she purposely defrauded the court and I would never have seen her lies if I hadn’t requested the continuance.

    Unfortunately, many of the lies in her response document are completely irrelevant to the case I filed, so even though they may taint the judge’s perception, I might not get a chance to refute them. She falsely accused me of being a drunk who was always hungover in the morning, and of leaving my dogs all day without food and water. She accused me of blocking her with my body, which is true—she leaves out the fact that I had to do that because she went in my room, took my keys, and was attempting to leave the house with them. She falsely accused me of kicking her door, coming back after I moved out and cutting her garden hose (as if I didn’t have anything better to do), and a bunch of other random crap.

    So my question is, with all your experience, how can I get her to mess up in front of the judge so that she loses any credibility? My instinct is to be defensive, but I know that being overly defensive can actually make the judge think I’m the one who’s lying. I’ve encountered that before because I hate being misunderstood and thus tend to be more defensive than others. How can I trap her in a lie?

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  21. My father is stalking me and I have no idea what to do. I think he's losing his mind because I was the only one left to supply him and I've gone no contact. He's showing up at my friend's homes and offices, harassing my employer etc. I don't want to get a restraining order because I think it would only make him crazier and he might hurt someone. I need some advice and would appreciate feedback from anyone who's been where I am.

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    1. Please check-out Jonsi's Blog (on the blogroll to the right) "Open Your Eyes and See" and her latest post "Cease and Desist" by Tundra Woman, Aka TW.

      I've had some experience with N stalking and harassment, but more with Ns out in the wild than with family Ns. Yes, MN mother and sister stalked me online when I was sharing my story on blogs, but that was more of an information gathering, get inside my head, scare tactic, silencing method, eventual smear campaign... they clearly couldn't shut me up. Anyway, I've had no family "come after me" IRL when I went NC. Their goal is just to make me look bad/crazy/whatever (through pathological lies and slander) so MY decision to stay the hell away from them ends up "appearing" to be because something is wrong with me, NOT them.

      TW has first hand experience with MN parental stalking. I hope the information she provided helps.

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  22. Hi Lisette

    Don't forget, you're the important one, not the blood sucking narcissists in your life. My parents adopted me at 18 months and instantly became an extension of my mothers vanity until 16 when I left home. My toes curl when I talk to her even now and she disgusts me to no end.

    Just started my own blog over at http://sonofanarcissist.blogspot.com

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    1. Dave,

      Thanks for the support. No narcs in my life at present. Well... I have chosen to have limited contact with N father in a way that works for me. I've mastered the art of "Robot Mode."

      I've added your blog to my list. Write on!!

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  23. This is probably the most honest blog I have read about NPD and the trail of pain it leaves behind for those caught in the path of these emotional vampires. Lisette, I totally understand why you need a break from all this, and you should take it. It just gets overwhelming. Take care of yourself.

    And thank you so much for your blog. Many insights and much connecting of the dots for me. Very helpful and healing.

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  24. I'm still in denial and shock. Reading your blog EVERYDAY has reinforced the truth for me. It's a hard truth to process...Thank you!!!

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    1. It is a hard truth to process, and it takes time... lots of time.

      All the "move on" "get over it" "the best revenge is living well" stuff, etc. etc. - Makes. Me. Cringe!

      Time is what has worked for me. 22 years no contact with MN Mother and she rarely enters my mind, unless I want to write about her and her kind.

      For me, time is a stitch-up job, a seal on the wounds. They say: Time "heals" all wounds, but I think time only seals them, in that they will always be there. Just don't go anywhere near a MN because they will rip that wound right open again and you'll be back to square one.

      NC all the way. Keep those wounds safely sealed and protected and the surrounding tissue will become stronger/tougher and less penetrable with each passing year.

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    2. "All the "move on" "get over it" "the best revenge is living well" stuff,etc,etc.- Makes.Me. Cringe!"

      I agree ,Lisette! I've heard this bs so many times and it is just a fallacy. In this life, you never truly "heal" from things that have happened to you but like you said, time seals them. This "healing" crap is pushed by counselers and people have for some reason bought into it.It doesn't hold water. You would have never heard this crap decades ago. Now they are trying to say that grief is a mental illness.These people will stop at nothing to try and convence others that they know all about the human mind and we know nothing. We should listen to them because they are the so-called experts....

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  25. I just found your website today. It is wonderful. I recently divorced a MN, and am realizing that my sister is also a MN, and my mom, too. Please don't take down your website, even if you stop posting. I need it. Others need it. Bless you.

    Leslie

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  26. lissette; i just found you as well. I am a 57 year old woman who is surviving[so far] from an aggressive breast cancer. though i have supported all of them in the illnesses of all of my MN family, I have not even had one of them call and say they are sorry i have breast cancer. it has always been this way. even when my brother savagely raped and impregnated a little 13 year old girl years ago[ he was almost 22, i was the one who cleaned up the blood]I waSS still made out the bad one. you see, my dad paid thousands of dollars to the childs family to convince them not to press charges. the other members of the family wanted my sister and i to spread lies about the little girl being a slut to "pay her back for what she had done." I refused to go along ith it. i was always the family scapegoat[ ADHD Aspergers] but that day, over 40 years ago, i became the family betrayer as well. it got better for years. then my dad [the original perpetraitor became ill. he begged for everyones forgiveness and i gave it to him. as he lay dying, my family chose to use that opportunity to let him kno ho hated he was. i instead comforted him. after he died my family swore they would get revenge on me for being kind. they did very well at getting their revenge. i really need someone to talk to about it[beyond the therapy i have been receiving] and get advice on hat is happening right now. it is more than a little involved and i need someone ho can truly understand. i am in a position that involves more than merely staying away. pleasse help.
    vicki

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    1. Vicki,

      My blessings are out to you to survive your breast cancer. I don't know how much this helps, even in the cyber world, but my thoughts are with you.

      As far as your MN family goes, there is nothing that you can do right by them, and perhaps that is a badge of honour you should wear, and wear proudly.

      It seems every decent, kind, moral thing you have done in your life has been used against you by you NFOO. No contact all the way!

      I'm not in a position to get involved in the personal lives of readers, or to give advice.

      My final words would be no contact with your MN FOO. Perhaps, connect with others going through breast cancer. There is a large community out there of people with cancer (many who do not have family) there are kind, safe people out there and I understand reaching out is difficult, but it starts small. You've already started.

      The internet is part of it, and real life is an even bigger part. It takes time, effort, energy and will and sometimes we don't have that, but we have to force ourselves.

      Start small. The rest will follow. Just please stay away from those MNs - no matter how entwined they seem to be. Protect yourself and your health.

      You deserve love, compassion and understanding.

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  27. lisette, thanks for your blog. this is what i would have done if i'd had my way so far. i appreciate your effort and abilities so much. i'll set up a blog and new e-mail soon. is this the best contact for you? i'm going to look up all of your previous posts and i would like to follow you and stay in touch, like so many others. i need to find out how to communicate safely, because i'm hiding from the remaining abusers--it's generational and i have finally faced it all. i have someone to talk to, now, but your words hit right at the heart of the trauma and the real feelings right back at 'em. i'll sign with my e-mail name once i have a new on so for now i'll use the "anonymous" provided. i would also like some thoughts on starting a horse based group Rx. it would be perfect in this community and i feel i need peers in my life. i am a professional but i work with animals. how can i reveal where i am to mates and yet stay safe and sound? thanks again.

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    1. Anonymous,

      Good for you for going No Contact. I wouldn't reveal your whereabouts to anyone who is in contact with your abusers, or who your abusers know... like your mates. Actually, they don't even have to know them, all they need is the name of someone linked to you, or an address etc. and they will hunt you down and try and derail your life. I have lived this with psychopathic sister.

      I'm glad you have someone to talk to. Be sure to only let safe and supportive people near. Looking forward to reading your blog once you have it up and running.

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  28. I love this Lisette, mostly because I always say things so articulately but people just don't get it.... I am angry, but I'm too much of a good girl to be ugly about it.
    I read you and I know exactly what you mean, for that I thank you a thousand times.
    I found a quote: Get over it, and Stay over it!
    For me the only way to Stay Over It, is to Stay No Contact!

    I must remember to feel that anger inside me as a reminder, that narc abuse is no way to live.

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  29. Lisette, I wonder if you fully realise what a difference you are making in the world? The analogy that occurs to me is this: you are to the victims of narcissists what Ghandi was to the victims of colonisation. Quite late in Ghandi's life, he was asked where he found his courage to fight against oppression. He replied, "After you've been reduced to a zero, there's nothing to fear" (not his exact words) and he was reduced - so were you - so was I - so were all the people you are validating. And that's one of your great gifts to the people you are reaching: validation. Without, few can start the deeper healing journey to spiritual freedom. (One of our great healing tasks, I think, is to reconcile our Self with our Soul; to survive, we had to split them, they existed on different planets.) You are supporting people in that reunion, consciously or not. One of your other great gifts is the validation of the rage the horrendously abused (including me) feel. We have all been mindfucked in the past to believe that only sick or evil people feel and express that much rage and not to be one of THEM. We are also scared by the thought that we could resemble the evil narcs in ANY way - so we disown/suppress the rage and instead get ill/go mad/collapse/sabotage our lives, minds and selves. Which is exactly what they WANT US TO DO. So what you are achieving, Lisette, in my view, is expressing and validating and externalising and vocalising that healing rage for the people who cannot yet do that themselves. You are making it possible for them. For us. For me. And also for you. You are saving lives and healing the harmed, and I hope you really know this. I hope that this is not incompatible with giving yourself enough of your energy to experience joy and peace and laughter and all the experiences which return to the united, healed self. You are one of the most inspirational people I have ever come across. And as well as liberating the chained (the chains are on consciousness for many of the harmed) you also have to fight the rearguard battle against the evil, they hate people like you, they will never stop trying to discredit and undermine you, their evil feeds on itself in their rotting souls. Yet YOU DO! You prevail! I pray that you will always prevail. Please look after you with great kindness to yourself. Thank you for all the gifts I have received from you. Anna

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    1. Anna, thank you so much for your message. I consider it to be a gift, a gift that I will always cherish and look to for inspiration. You words brought tears to my eyes... but in a good way! I've had very few heroes in my life, and I can say without hesitation that you are one of them. I wouldn't be here, now, writing this blog if it weren't for you. That's the truth. And I thank you for leading the way with your courage, strength and conviction. Yes, I certainly have been hated in my life and I probably will continue to be hated. But I've always told myself, at least I'm hated by the right people. I'm sure you can relate. I really feel what you're saying about those of us who have been reduced had to split the Self from the Soul in order to survive, and part of healing is to reconcile our Self with our Soul. That's beautifully put. And that's a healing journey I can really get behind: for all of us to become our SELF, to be the person we were always meant to be. Thank you for this wisdom, Anna. I never thought my anger would do me or anyone any good until I embraced it. It truly is a gift to be able to externalize and vocalize my rage and have others join in. And it's not incompatible with giving myself enough energy to experience joy and peace and laughter. Expressing my rage is liberating and releasing it makes the highs in life all that much higher. Thank you for asking! And thank YOU for all the gifts you have given me and others, including your inspiring message. Lisette

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  30. Lisette, I shed a tear reading your reply. We are certainly companion souls walking on the same path. It seems to me that there are so few of us who make it this far compared to the great many who are still trying to find this path or even a dawning realisation that it might exist. I regard the fact of you having created the House of Mirrors - so that these people may one day find their way to it, and recognise the blinding truths beyond their mystification and alienation from the Self - as a sacred act. (In that everything that consciously opposes Evil is, ipso facto, a sacred act.) I don't regard myself as "healed". My healing is always going to be a work in progress. In my experience, the further we venture into healing ourselves, the more vigilant we have to be. Complacency will always pose some threat to us. Another aspect of your writing is that you serve to avert people from the false belief that they can afford to be complacent once they know and have named what they are up against. Other blogs by healing daughters of malignant diseased-soul narcs seem to me to inadvertently promote the idea that "this is all behind you now because you are on the road to healing yourself". It is comforting and well meant, yet in my view a false and dangerous comfort and therefore a trap. How you have gathered in your soul the courage and strength to avoid those traps I do not know; I do not need to know in order to admire and be in awe of you. What I think rage represents is this: Reality and Grief Energises. (I made that up). We can repossess and recreate and create from scratch what the malignants stole from us in the past; there is no possibility nor experience that their evil can bar us from experiencing anymore once we enter into the deeper process of reunification of the soul with the real self. The one thing we cannot repossess is time. The lost time is permanently lost, and a permanent grief; we grieve the waste. However, the losses are outweighed by the gains: we live closer to Truth and Reality than their repugnant souls could even if they had fifty full lifetimes. You will know from what I have written that - like Peck - I unreservedly believe the Evil exists, and that evil people revel in their evil, and exult in the corruption of truth and innocence. It is like oxygen to them. The purveyors of lies - "forgive them, they did their best" - are sometimes just hugely stupid and at others evil themselves. I am glad Lisette that you are part of my world of experience; it is wonderful to have your reality and companionship in my life.

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  31. Today Lisette I have been reading on Ponerology - a word I did not know until very recently - which basically means the knowledge of evil. I came across this incisive quote which so wonderfully articulates for me how I regard your achievements here:

    "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to the one who is striking at the root". (Henry David Thoreau in Walden).

    That's what I was trying to find words to express when I said that your liberation struggle against the Narcs reminded me of Ghandi. You encourage me to stop wasting my energy in sawing off their branches and to aim for the root, as you do. I am feeling enormous gratitude to you for this. You are empowering me to take my own personal struggle to a more important and meaningful level of perception and action. The day I found you on the net is such a meaningful day in my life that I am going to celebrate its anniversary in every year to come; these are the best kinds of birthdays for people like us who do not really have them to celebrate.

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